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I Am Stronger Than My Anxiety

Originally published on A Glimpse Into Eryn’s World – July 1, 2015

When I decided to write this post, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do a series of posts, a short post, or something a little more in-depth. So what you see below is what I decided on it. A one-time post about my 10-year journey. A journey that is not over, but has made me a much stronger person. While therapeutic, it was still very hard for me to write. It’s very personal, and I have a hard time getting too personal on this blog. Be prepared; this is a long post, and potentially hard to read for some. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It’s not the whole story, but rather the more important parts of the story. It’s my anxiety story and I finally feel strong enough to share it.

All it took was one look at the screenshot of a scam viral video and I was in a tailspin. There was no rhyme or reason; it just happened. The worst part, it was an image that I had seen circulating the web just days before. It wasn’t new to me. In fact, the first time I had seen it, I didn’t even care about it.

But that’s the difference between a high-anxiety day and a low-anxiety day. On a high-anxiety day, it doesn’t take much to send me hurtling towards a panic attack.

The only way I can describe my own battle when I’m in the depths of anxiety is like falling into dark underground cave. As my anxiety starts to build, it’s like falling into the cave, but landing on a ledge so close to the top you can still see the world above. While you’re standing there, looking up, you’re already starting to struggle to figure out how you’re going to get out.

As the anxiety builds, and the panic starts to set in, it’s like that little ledge letting go and you start to fall deeper into the cave. Each time you struggle to climb to try to get out, you slip and fall a little deeper. It’s the same way with my anxiety. Just as I feel a little reprieve coming on, something sets me back, and I’m right back in it. Only worse.

LET’S BACK UP TO THE BEGINNING

My anxiety didn’t rear its ugly head until I was a freshman in college. Looking back, I definitely started to suffer from some of the symptoms of anxiety as I was growing up and, more than likely, had already begun to suffer from chronic anxiety in my pre-teen years. Even though I wasn’t properly diagnosed until college. When I hit middle school, I was suddenly nervous all the time. Nervous to raise my hand in class, nervous that the teacher would call on me, nervous to get up and ask to use the restroom, nervous I would be late for class, and so on. Just plain old nervous.

In high school, I stuck to my daily routines and lived by the clock. If I had to be somewhere for 3 PM, I needed to be there by 2:45 PM for fear of being late. If someone told me they would be at my house by 6 PM, and hadn’t shown up by 5:59 PM, my nerves would go haywire. Cutting it close to any set time fed my nervousness.

I know, you’re probably thinking ‘You just don’t like to be late to anything.’ It’s true, however; I’ve been this way since I could tell time on a clock. Being late to anything is a trigger for my anxiety. It’s much better these days, but back then, it could send me spiraling.

Once I left for college, my mental issues quickly sprang to the surface. I was now in a world where I had to find an entirely new group of friends instead of living in my happy bubble of high school friends that I had known my entire life. I was completely out of my comfort zone and not quite sure what to do. I stayed in my dorm room, went to class, ate dinner and did homework. It was similar to my routine at home, minus the horses, so I stuck to it. Only it didn’t work.

Most students thrive when they go off to college. I did the complete opposite; I fell apart.

I was sobbing all the time. I was miserable. I hated being away from the comfort of my home. I hated being away from my family. I hated being away from my barn. I hated it all and began to think that going to college 2 hours away was a mistake.

But after about 2-2 ½ weeks, the homesickness began to subside. My parents came to visit. I went home for a weekend here and there. And realized I could do it. But once the homesickness went away, it was still clear to me that something more was going on.

Even after I met people and started to really have a life away at school, things still weren’t perfect. But I hid it under the surface. I smiled on the outside but was unraveling on the inside. I didn’t tell a soul how I was really feeling, even though I appeared as happy as could be.

That was until I came back from Christmas break.

After being home for a month, and going back, I knew it would be a little easier this time. I had established myself in a group of friends. We had talked all break and couldn’t wait to get back to one another. I was ready to conquer my second semester of college.

Instead, I was met with debilitating depression and anxiety. I knew something was wrong.

I couldn’t snap out of it. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t want to go to my classes. I found myself taking every opportunity I could get to drink with my friends. I wanted to escape how miserable I felt.

In the end, after a massive blowout with my roommate at the time, followed by a typical night of college fun (except it wasn’t so fun for me), my depression and anxiety finally showed that they were here to stay.

The next morning, I called my parents, sobbing. I was hungover but told them I was sick. Like so sick that they needed to come take me home. I just wanted them to come get me; help me escape how awful I was feeling.

I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t stop crying. They drove the two hours out to see me; to take me out for lunch thinking I just needed to get out (seriously, best parents ever. Love you!) I was just homesick again.

I stopped crying long enough to get in the car and get to the restaurant. Instead of eating, I broke down sobbing in my mother’s lap in the middle of the restaurant. I was nearly 19-years-old and losing it in a busy local restaurant on a Saturday afternoon.

I wasn’t just sick. I wasn’t just hungover. I was having a nervous breakdown. I needed help. And I needed it immediately. We all knew it.

We paid the bill, and back to campus we went, where I packed up whatever clothes I needed, any school supplies so I could keep up with my schoolwork and anything else I needed. (These were the days before iPads and laptops… think desktop and iPod mini).

I said my goodbyes to friends, explained what was going on, and off we drove back to the eastern part of the state.

While driving home, phone calls were made and appointments were set up for therapy and medication. I was on my way to getting better.

I spent a week at home. I like to call it my ‘healing week’. My professors were incredibly supportive and understanding. If I didn’t keep up with the schoolwork, they promised to let me make it up when I came back. I just focused on feeling better and feeling more like me.

I read. I went to the barn. I wrote in my journal. I saw the few friends that were still lingering in my hometown. I spent time with my family.

I just tried to remember that I was on my way to better.

And when I went back to school, things DID get better. My roommate apologized and became incredibly supportive when she discovered what was going on. My friends rallied around me, both at home and at school. And I began to see that I could get through this. And I did.

FAST FORWARD THROUGH THE YEARS

I’ve been on and off medication three different times. The first time I went off was while I was still in college, around sophomore year. That only lasted about a year.

I ended up back on a new medication during my junior year of college. I ended up spending another week at home to get myself ‘better’ again. Thankfully, I hadn’t suffered a breakdown like the first time. I just knew something was not right and wanted to fix it before it got worse.

The second time I came off it was in 2009. I did it cold turkey. I just stopped taking it. I was in a great relationship (with my now fiancé), I finally started to find my way, career-wise, and I was just happy. I felt like I would be fine without it.

In 2010, I realized that my anxiety was getting worse again. Nothing had changed in my life, but I found myself falling back into that hole. I tried natural remedies (turns out I’m allergic to St. John’s Wort). I tried therapy, which didn’t help. It turned out I needed to be on medication. So back on it, I went, for another 3 years, until this past May.

After learning the medication I had been on, on and off for since my junior year of college, had a side effect of weight gain and knowing that I had been having a really hard time taking the weight off, I thought back to the various times I had gone on it and saw a possible correlation between gaining weight and being on the medication. I made the decision, with the help of my doctor, to switch to a new medication. Unfortunately, this one didn’t help (in fact, I felt worse), so I decided it was time to go without again. I wanted to see how I would do.

I mean, I’m happy. I’m in love. I have a great job and a great life. I have the best support system there possibly could be. I would be totally fine without it.

6 weeks later, I’m back on it.

Turns out, I’m not totally fine without it.

But what have I learned? I am STRONGER than my anxiety. Yes, I need to be on medication, but I will not let anxiety control my life. I won’t let it. It certainly tried during my six-week hiatus without medication, but I refused to let it win.

If I’m not on a low dose, my anxiety essentially takes over. And it doesn’t feel like I have control over my own thoughts. Unless you suffer from anxiety, or something similar, it’s pretty hard to explain or describe. Even with the medication, I still have to fight it. It’s just enough to quiet it. It’s still there, waiting to come out (and believe me it does), but it’s not constant like when I’m not on medication. And when I say constant, I mean from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep at night.

If you know me, you know that I’m really good at hiding when I’m suffering from a horrible bout of anxiety, or dealing with it at all … unless I say something. Only those closest to me know when I’m having a hard time. I’m much better about talking about it nowadays compared to 10 years ago.

If you don’t know me, you would never even know that I suffer from it (you do now!). It’s not visible on the outside. It’s an internal battle.

But it’s a battle that I fight day in and day out. And I am the strong one in the fight. No matter how hard it works to bring me down and break me, I am always able to stand up and fight back.

I am STRONGER than my anxiety.

The Instagram Games

After publishing Millennial Is Not a Dirty Word, and sharing it my Instagram account, I never expected my numbers to rise. In fact, I have had my Instagram account set to private until I hit publish on the blog post. I figured when I wasn’t blogging, why have my account public.

After posting, I closed the app, went back to doing a few things, and didn’t think about it. I checked back about an hour later to find 14 new followers. I actually did a double check to make sure I wasn’t on my company’s Instagram account, which has been gaining a pretty steady flow of followers.

I started going through the accounts, and as I was going through the ones that followed, notifications kept popping up that more were following. After about an hour, I saw about 30 new followers on my account. While this probably seems minimal, we’re talking about an account that barely gains 5 a month. So seeing this uptick in just an hour was a bit insane, and cool, all at the same time.

However, it didn’t last.

Welcome to the Instagram Games where 30 people will follow you, and 25 will unfollow you a mere 4 hours later because you didn’t reciprocate their follow.

PC: NeONBRAND, Unsplash

It’s an endless battle, especially when you’re trying to build a following. I see it all the time on my photography account. In fact, I stopped following back accounts that I didn’t have a genuine interest in. I’m not in it to play games and follow for follow. I want to follow people because I like their content, or what they have to say. Not because they are willing to follow me as long as I follow them back.

It just seems like you’re saying, “We can be friends, but only because I say we can be friends. If I don’t want to be friends any more than we’re not going to be.”

When did Instagram become like middle school?

Instagram is supposed to be a community, at least that’s what I use it for. I’m not out there to gain 1000 fake followers. I’d rather have 15 followers who have an interest in my content and what I have to say, then see my numbers go through the roof.

How should we play the Instagram Games?

ROUND 1 – THE NUMBERS

Stop focusing on the numbers. Seriously. I know everyone is obsessed with being “instafamous.” We see it everywhere. Every other day there is another story about someone who became an “Instagram girl” or another up & coming teenager or young adult literally making a living because of their large followings on social media. Yes, it would be nice to be a success story like that, but we have to stop trying to build our platforms the wrong way.

ROUND 2 – BE AUTHENTIC

Be authentic. I know every Instagram course will tell you this, but it’s true. The more authentic and genuine you are, the more likely others will be to reciprocate and engage with you. Follow someone because you like their content, you like their message, and/or you’re interested in the way they have to say. Don’t follow someone expecting them to follow you back. Comment on images with actual comments. Not a bunch of emojis. Things like “God, this bouquet is absolutely stunning.” Or “I love that outfit, where did you get your shoes?” Make your comments seem personal, and not content generated from spammy bots.

ROUND 3 – FOLLOWERS & FOLLOWING

Don’t follow for follow. We’ve all done it, whether we think we have or not. An account follows us. We like what we see, but we’re not 100% invested. They have a few pretty pictures. Okay, sure. We follow them back. We think we’d like to see their content every day. When they decide to unfollow us a day later, we also unfollow them. Why? Because we really only cared about the number, not the account itself.

I’ve done it without even thinking about. Now, I try to focus on following accounts because they appeal to me. Not because I hope they follow me back. If someone follows me, I take a good look at their account before deciding if it’s someone I want to follow. If it isn’t, I don’t, and typically they unfollow me a short time later. Does it make me sad? Nope. They weren’t someone truly interested in my content.

Bottom line, let’s stop this whole follow for follow game. It’s not helping anyone, except grow our accounts with a bunch of followers who don’t truly care about the content their following. Let’s be honest, while the number may look pretty cool, wouldn’t it be far better to have people who actually care about your posts?

ROUND 4 – INVEST

I’m not talking about paying for followers or buying ads. Invest the time to grow your account the right way. Spend the time getting to know the accounts you like. What are they doing to grow their accounts organically that you could be doing? What hashtags do they use? Comment on accounts you love, like photos, be real. You may not see your numbers grow fast, but over time you will see your engagement grow, and that’s the most important thing.

ROUND 5- CHEATING (INEVITABLE IN ANY GAME)

Don’t pay for followers. Okay, the fact that this is even a thing really irks me. This is like the ultimate cheat in the Instagram games. It’s like paying a judge at the Olympics for all 10s. Okay, that’s a bit exaggerated, but still. Paying for followers? Just don’t do it. I don’t care how “instafamous” you want to be. That’s just dumb, and you deserve to be considered a “spammer” on Instagram. And I don’t care how harsh that sounds.

ROUND 6 – WINNING

Create an Instagram account you are proud of, no matter the number of followers. Enjoy and connect with your tribe, and be real. Have no expectations for any of the accounts you follow to follow you back. Put out content that is you, that is true to you and your brand, and be authentic, and you will win the Instagram Game.

Millennial Is Not a Dirty Word

For years, I’ve denied being a millennial. I hated the label. I was SURE I wasn’t one until my husband pointed out that I was. Even he is.

In case you didn’t know, the millennial generation is considered those born in the 80s through to the mid-90s and 2000. The most exact dates I’ve found are from 1981 to 1997, but they tend to vary depending on where you look.

Millennials have a bad reputation. People think they are technology obsessed (I’m pretty sure most are), narcissistic (selfies for days…), lazy, high maintenance and expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. In fact,  this article on HuffPost discusses how many young Americans don’t want to identify as millennials, which I can completely relate too. Google “bad traits of millennials” and you’ll see thousands of results pop up. I know this because I googled it for this piece.

As more stories are published on how millennials are literally the worst, the more I cringe to be part of such a hated generation. I mean, I am part of that generation whether I want to be or not.

Most of the descriptors that people use to describe my generation don’t really apply to me or most people I know for that matter.

PC: Melinda Pack, Unsplash

That’s because many of us that are in the millennial generation don’t feel entitled and we aren’t lazy. In fact, there are plenty of us that are extremely hard workers. We listen and we respond, we try to read things carefully, we’re always looking for new ways to learn and grow, and we know how to disconnect and put our phones down (well most of the time.)

We remember a world before we had technology at our fingertips, and I mean that literally. Think about it. The iPhone came out 10 years ago. Since then, technology has exploded. Even before the iPhone came out and smartphones reigned, people were already carrying cellphones everywhere they went. Remember flip phones? Or the Nokia phone everyone had, and the endless games of Snake?

I got my first cell phone at 16 (Nokia 3310 for the win!) and I shared it with my mother, even though I kept it with me most of the time. Most of my friends were getting them when they started driving. Now it seems like people are getting cell phones younger and younger.

Many of us have been working since we were legally able to at 16, and in some cases, even 14. It’s taught us the value of money, how to save and budget. It’s taught us hard work, how to interview for a position and land a job even if it was at the neighborhood pizza shop or gift store, and it taught us how to interact with colleagues, accept criticism and praise when it was dealt, and how to provide good customer service, and deal with the public. It’s helped us learn what professionalism looks like in the workplace and how to interact with everyone from your equals to your superiors.

Most of my friends and fellow millennials bust their butts EVERY SINGLE DAY just to make a living. Which for many, is just enough to pay the mortgage/rent, buy some groceries and pay the bills. I know a good majority that work second, and even third jobs, just to get by. And people say millennials don’t work hard.

Personally, I have three jobs. THREE. I have my daily full-time job, my photography business, and I teach riding lessons once a week.

Side note: read this article from Inc. that discusses the bad habits that many millennials today have that make them look really unprofessional.

I’m not here to criticize the younger millennials, but rather point out that there are some millennials that don’t fit the stereotype. In fact, there’s a good amount of us who are the antithesis to the “modern” millennial.

If you’re a millennial, and you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking one of two things.

The first: “I’m definitely not a millennial. I’m not lazy. I hate selfies and I work hard.”

Great, that was my first thought too.

The second: “I’m definitely not a millennial. Millennials are lazy, and I worked for a few hours today. My hair was on fleek, so I had to take a selfie, but I don’t selfie all the time. I mean, that’s just annoying. And I work hard, but only when I feel like putting in the effort. My parents said I didn’t need to find a job right away after college/over the summer, so I’m not. I’m just going to chill by the pool for the summer and see what comes my way.”

If the first is you, and you were born between 1981 and 1997/2000ish. You are a millennial, whether you want to believe it or not. Embrace it, and let’s change the stereotype.

If the second is you, you exemplify the stereotype of a millennial. Work on changing that. You’re giving the other millennials a bad reputation.

But there are a few important things to remember, no matter what kind of millennial you are.

We all have a unique voice. It’s important to know and understand this, and for many of us, we just want it to beWriting heard. We all feel that we have something important that needs to be said, some more so than others. If you really feel passionate about something, or just need a place to write, start a blog. It seems to be the thing to do.

We are the first generation to see and use the various social media platforms that we’ve been provided. Hell, you can major in social media marketing now (I was the first graduate class at Southern New Hampshire University to get a graduate certificate in it!) Sure, some overdo with social media (Selfies every day, all day are overdoing it – no one needs to see you 24/7), but others are finding ways to raise awareness, offer support, and use the platforms for bringing about change.

We should “follow our dreams”. As cliché as it sounds, and it’s definitely the cliché motto of this generation, we set goals and we strive to reach them. I’m not talking about being instafamous either. That’s the narcissistic side of the millennial generation.

I’m talking about finding something you’re passionate about, whether it’s a career in law, owning your photography business or making blogging your full-time job. We work for what we want. We continue our education. We make our dreams and goals a reality.

We should take criticism, constructive or not, and learn from it. We need focus on how it will make us better. Well, most of us.

We should work hard and learn to be independent. A work ethic can be created, even if it’s something you’ve never had. Relying on yourself to live is a game changer.

Most importantly, we should remember that millennial is not a dirty word. There are plenty of millennials out there, proving day in and day out, that they are more than what their generational description says they are.

I know I’m trying too.

PC: Jordan Whitfield, Unsplash